learning to let go

this has been really hard for me. from the first day in the hospital, struggling to get jack to latch, struggling with my milk supply, struggling struggling struggling. i stuck with it, we would only latch in one position with a nipple shield, which turned out to be a pain in the butt and a super stresser for me. he started wanting to feed for 2 hours....straight, and then again in an hour. i felt glued to the couch. he would cry if i took him off. i was so tired and worn. then the pain started...again. it hurt so bad, i would be crying while feeding him. literally sobbing. i thought i was the nipple shield, so i got a bigger one. it wasnt. pumping hurt but not as bad. at 4 weeks i pretty much stopped feeding him directly. it hurt so bad, and balancing pumping to compensate was to hard. i became an exclusive pumper.

this was harder than i thought...balancing baby, feeding, pumping, baby was really tricky...almost impossible at times without help. i felt like a constant failure. i couldnt feed my son, directly. i gave up too soon. i didnt try hard enough. lots of women do it. always feeling like a failure.

so i decided to try, one more time. i saw a lactation consultant. it had been 2 months and i was about to go back to work. when i told her that, she literally laughed at me. she laughed at ME, the one who feels like a failure asking for help (which is SO hard for me). i told her we had troubles latching, that i only could do it in one position. so, she has us do the one position we can, says hes sucking me like a bottle and she cant fix that until he tries to feed....um WHAT. then, SHE LEFT THE ROOM for 15 minutes. babys screaming his head off because this isnt how we feed now...when she gets back she tells me, keep trying, do skin to skin and pump 8 times a day (i was doing only 6 at that time, i was doing 8 at one month). she also told me i had a nipple infection, which is why it started hurting again out of no where...i left and threw in my towel. completely, utterly discouraged.

now, jacks almost 8 months. i made my pumping goal. at 2 months i never thought i would have made it this far. i didnt even think id make it to 6 months, which was my goal. ive never fully been able to provide him with all his milk. ive always had to supplement 1/3-1/5 of his daily milk intake with formula. always feeling like a failure. always stressing about when ill get to pump, if im out, where can i do it at? can i skip a session, how much is in the fridge? will baby let me pump long enough? did i drink enough water? when people ask if im breastfeeding, what do i say? do i tell them yes. do i say, well, yes and then explain myself? these are just A FEW of the  many things that are running threw my head constantly. constantly fighting with my milk supply and balancing baby with it. and i miss it. the feeling, the closeness.

ive made it 8 months. 8 whole months. pumping. its getting harder, by the day. jack is requiring more attention, more of everything, and im having a hard time balancing. my milk supply is crashing. im still glued to the couch. my nipples hurt.

im trying to learn to let go. to stop pumping, i made it past my goal. hes never been sick, hes healthy. but im scared. im scared of him getting sick without my antibodies, of getting fatter from burning less calories, having even smaller boobs than before, of the cost of formula...of letting go of something that is so precious and unique and wonderful that i do everyday for my son. im proud of myself. but in the back of my mind, i always feel like ive somehow failed.

im learning to let go